“Hey. Hey there. Wake up!”
I slowly opened my eyes, looking around my dim bed room and then at my clock. Eight in the morning on a Saturday. I closed my eyes again.
“Hey, right over here!”
I looked to the left, where my dog Dutch was curled up next to me. He was still snoring.
“No, over here!”
I glanced to the right toward the window. The voice was too close to be outside. I was probably dreaming. I pinched myself.
“Ow! What did you do that for?”
I stared at my arm that I had just pinched. Definitely dreaming. I closed my eyes again.
“Really? You are just going to ignore me?”
I refused to open my eyes. “Whoever you are, I am not talking to you” I said.
“Fine, if that’s how you want to play it” the voice said, sounding insulted.
“That’s right,” I said, “that’s how it’s going to be.” I dazed off again.
“Sooo … can we get up now?”
With my eyes closed, I growled. “Stop talking to me. Go away!” I said.
“You know,” the voice said, “I would love to, really, but that’s going to be a wee bit difficult.”
“Why?” I asked and then almost slapped myself for answering a voice that was obviously in my head.
“Because wherever I go, you go. Or wherever you go, I will go. Take your pick.”
I opened my eyes again.
“Who did you say you were?” I asked, annoyed.
“Okay … then who are you?”
“I’m you. Well, not completely. Just your body” the voice said.
“My … what?” I stammered, pulling the covers closer to my chin.
“You body” the voice said impatiently. “You DO know what a body is, right?”
“What a stupid question, of course I know what a body is” I shot back.
“So, why so surprised then” my body asked.
“You have to ask?” I asked incredulously.
“Well, yeah … I mean, we’ve been living together for thirty-four some years, so you really should know me by now”. My body sounded miffed.
“Of course I … gah!” I said, throwing the blanket to the ground and getting up.
“Hey, careful there! After that torture yesterday, you could be a little gentler!”
“What torture?” I asked while stomping into the bathroom.
“You know, that stupid walk for ninety seconds and then jog for sixty seconds thing. For a grand total of thirty minutes. Uphill. And then those stupid push-ups. Do you have any idea how strenuous that was?”
I turned on the shower. This was ridiculous.
“Make sure the water is a bit warmer this time” my body said when I stepped into the shower.
“Shut it” I said, took my shampoo and squeezed it angrily on my hand.
“No need get all pissy” my body said, “I was just making a request here”. “And you know, you should really change your shampoo”.
“If I want your advice on cosmetics, I will ask you … NOT!” I growled.
I finished my shower in blissful silence, toweled of and got dressed.
“What’s your problem?” my body asked when I was going downstairs.
“My problem is YOU!” I said.
“Well, duh, tell me something new” my body said. “I’ve known THAT for …”
“Yes, I know, for about thirty-four years” I interrupted impatiently.
“Well, not quite that long” my body said. “You actually started to ….”
“Whatever” I shot back, walked into the kitchen and started making breakfast.
“Can we have bread?” my body asked.
“No” I said.
“Because it’s yogurt and fruit” I said and hacked into my orange.
“Uhh, look at Miss I am eating all healthy-pants” my body mocked.
I set the knife down and sighed.
“I can’t believe I am saying this, but what do you want?” I asked.
“Just making conversation” my body answered. “Is that a crime now?”
“It’s not a crime” I said through clenched teeth, “but it’s certainly what I expected on a Saturday morning … or ever!”
“Well, what was I supposed to do? You won’t listen to me any other way!” my body complained.
I groaned and flopped down on the couch. This had to be a really, really bad joke.
I scratched my nose, trying to wrap my mind around this situation.
“Hey, careful there, I am not a gift wrap!” another voice said. I jumped.
“Oh, puh-lease,” my body said, “that was just your brain. You guys are talking all the time!”
“My brain …” I said.
“Yeah” the second voice said. “You DO know what a …”
“Yes, YES, I DO know what a brain is. A mushy, gray-red thing in my head that is NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK!”
“Well, excuse me” my brain said, sounding insulted, “but my color was not a fashion choice. I was born that way! No need to get all mean!”
Okay, okay, get a grip … you got this … whatever this was.
“Soooo” I said, voice dripping with sarcasm, “what can I do for my body and my brain on this lovely Saturday morning?” “Food” my body said.
“Oh, don’t listen to her!” my brain interrupted. “All she thinks about is food”.
“And what’s wrong with that?” my body asked testily.
“Yeah, what IS wrong with that?” I asked, siding with my body. “YOU need food as well, you know, to function.”
“Pfft, I am a minimalist” my brain said.
“I’ve noticed” I grumbled.
“Did you just insult yourself by saying you are very simple-minded?” my body asked.
“I … I think I am getting a headache” I said, letting my head fall back.
“Oh heavens, please, no” my brain said.
“Do you know how uncomfortable that is?”
“That’s what ibuprofen is for!” I said, got up and walked upstairs to grab a few of said pills.
“Great, just great, and who has to deal with getting rid of that stuff? Me!” my body complained. “So, let me get this straight” I said, laying back down on my bed, “my body and my brain are arguing with me AND with each other for … what reason, exactly?”
“I am not arguing!” my brain protested. “I am above such things”.
“I am not arguing, either” my body said. “All I wanted was to talk to you and tell you to show me a little more love and appreciation sometimes.”
“Uh … “ I said, “beg your pardon?”
“You know” my body said and sounded a little sad, “I am working really hard every day, and I just don’t feel appreciated. All you do is complain and complain, and try to change me, and I just don’t think it’s fair.”
I opened my mouth, but before I could answer my brain chimed in: “I have to agree with her this time. You beat her up way too much. It’s hurtful to insult your body every day, even if it’s just the way you are looking at her.”
“But I …” I started, but my brain interrupted me again.
“Besides, it’s getting to me, too! I mean, all this constant talk about healthy food, and skinny jeans … it’s hard to not believe that if all the thoughts I work with on a daily basis revolve around losing weight, and being skinny. After a while, you really believe that yourself!”
I had to admit that my body and brain had a point there.
“Okay, so what do you suggest?” I asked.
“Well, for starters, be less critical of me” my body said.
“And don’t always think you are ugly and fat” my brain added. “Don’t listen to all the commercials and magazines!”
“Listen to yourself every once in a while. That would make us really happy” my body said. “If I do, will you shut up?” I asked.
“Totally” my body said.
“Good, because this is driving me crazy” I said.
“Would you guys be QUIET! I am trying to sleep here!” a third voice growled.
“You know, you really should train your dog some manners” my brain said before going back to sleep.