â€œHey. Hey there. Wake up!â€
I slowly opened my eyes, looking around my dim bed room and then at my clock. Eight in the morning on a Saturday. I closed my eyes again.
â€œHey, right over here!â€
I looked to the left, where my dog Dutch was curled up next to me. He was still snoring.
â€œNo, over here!â€
I glanced to the right toward the window. The voice was too close to be outside. I was probably dreaming. I pinched myself.
â€œOw! What did you do that for?â€
I stared at my arm that I had just pinched. Definitely dreaming. I closed my eyes again.
â€œReally? You are just going to ignore me?â€
I refused to open my eyes. â€œWhoever you are, I am not talking to youâ€ I said.
â€œFine, if thatâ€™s how you want to play itâ€ the voice said, sounding insulted.
â€œThatâ€™s right,â€ I said, â€œthatâ€™s how itâ€™s going to be.â€ I dazed off again.
â€œSooo â€¦ can we get up now?â€
With my eyes closed, I growled. â€œStop talking to me. Go away!â€ I said.
â€œYou know,â€ the voice said, â€œI would love to, really, but thatâ€™s going to be a wee bit difficult.â€
â€œWhy?â€ I asked and then almost slapped myself for answering a voice that was obviously in my head.
â€œBecause wherever I go, you go. Or wherever you go, I will go. Take your pick.â€
I opened my eyes again.
â€œWho did you say you were?â€ I asked, annoyed.
â€œOkay â€¦ then who are you?â€
â€œIâ€™m you. Well, not completely. Just your bodyâ€ the voice said.
â€œMy â€¦ what?â€ I stammered, pulling the covers closer to my chin.
â€œYou bodyâ€ the voice said impatiently. â€œYou DO know what a body is, right?â€
â€œWhat a stupid question, of course I know what a body isâ€ I shot back.
â€œSo, why so surprised thenâ€ my body asked.
â€œYou have to ask?â€ I asked incredulously.
â€œWell, yeah â€¦ I mean, weâ€™ve been living together for thirty-four some years, so you really should know me by nowâ€. My body sounded miffed.
â€œOf course I â€¦ gah!â€ I said, throwing the blanket to the ground and getting up.
â€œHey, careful there! After that torture yesterday, you could be a little gentler!â€
â€œWhat torture?â€ I asked while stomping into the bathroom.
â€œYou know, that stupid walk forÂ ninetyÂ seconds and then jog for sixty seconds thing. For a grand total of thirty minutes. Uphill. And then those stupid push-ups. Do you have any idea how strenuous that was?â€
I turned on the shower. This was ridiculous.
â€œMake sure the water is a bit warmer this timeâ€ my body said when I stepped into the shower.
â€œShut itâ€ I said, took my shampoo and squeezed it angrily on my hand.
â€œNo need get all pissyâ€ my body said, â€œI was just making a request hereâ€.Â â€œAnd you know, you should really change your shampooâ€.
â€œIf I want your advice on cosmetics, I will ask you â€¦ NOT!â€ I growled.
I finished my shower in blissful silence, toweled of and got dressed.
â€œWhatâ€™s your problem?â€ my body asked when I was going downstairs.
â€œMy problem is YOU!â€ I said.
â€œWell, duh, tell me something newâ€ my body said. â€œIâ€™ve known THAT for â€¦â€
â€œYes, I know, for about thirty-four yearsâ€ I interrupted impatiently.
â€œWell, not quite that longâ€ my body said. â€œYou actually started to â€¦.â€
â€œWhateverâ€ I shot back, walked into the kitchen and started making breakfast.
â€œCan we have bread?â€ my body asked.
â€œNoâ€ I said.
â€œBecause itâ€™s yogurt and fruitâ€ I said and hacked into my orange.
â€œUhh, look at Miss I am eating all healthy-pantsâ€ my body mocked.
I set the knife down and sighed.
â€œI canâ€™t believe I am saying this, but what do you want?â€ I asked.
â€œJust making conversationâ€ my body answered. â€œIs that a crime now?â€
â€œItâ€™s not a crimeâ€ I said through clenched teeth, â€œbut itâ€™s certainly what I expected on a Saturday morning â€¦ or ever!â€
â€œWell, what was I supposed to do? You wonâ€™t listen to me any other way!â€ my body complained.
I groaned and flopped down on the couch. This had to be a really, really bad joke.
I scratched my nose, trying to wrap my mind around this situation.
â€œHey, careful there, I am not a gift wrap!â€ another voice said. I jumped.
â€œOh, puh-lease,â€ my body said, â€œthat was just your brain. You guys are talking all the time!â€
â€œMy brain â€¦â€ I said.
â€œYeahâ€ the second voice said. â€œYou DO know what a â€¦â€
â€œYes, YES, I DO know what a brain is. A mushy, gray-red thing in my head that is NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK!â€
â€œWell, excuse meâ€ my brain said, sounding insulted, â€œbut my color was not a fashion choice. I was born that way! No need to get all mean!â€
Okay, okay, get a grip â€¦ you got this â€¦ whatever this was.
â€œSooooâ€ I said, voice dripping with sarcasm, â€œwhat can I do for my body and my brain on this lovely Saturday morning?â€â€¨â€œFoodâ€ my body said.
â€œOh, donâ€™t listen to her!â€ my brain interrupted. â€œAll she thinks about is foodâ€.
â€œAnd whatâ€™s wrong with that?â€ my body asked testily.
â€œYeah, what IS wrong with that?â€ I asked, siding with my body. â€œYOU need food as well, you know, to function.â€
â€œPfft, I am a minimalistâ€ my brain said.
â€œIâ€™ve noticedâ€ I grumbled.
â€œDid you just insult yourself by saying you are very simple-minded?â€ my body asked.
â€œI â€¦ I think I am getting a headacheâ€ I said, letting my head fall back.
â€œOh heavens, please, noâ€ my brain said.
â€œDo you know how uncomfortable that is?â€
â€œThatâ€™s what ibuprofen is for!â€ I said, got up and walked upstairs to grab a few of said pills.
â€œGreat, just great, and who has to deal with getting rid of that stuff? Me!â€ my body complained. â€¨â€œSo, let me get this straightâ€ I said, laying back down on my bed, â€œmy body and my brain are arguing with me AND with each other for â€¦ what reason, exactly?â€
â€œI am not arguing!â€ my brain protested. â€œI am above such thingsâ€.
â€œI am not arguing, eitherâ€ my body said. â€œAll I wanted was to talk to you and tell you to show me a little more love and appreciation sometimes.â€
â€œUh â€¦ â€œ I said, â€œbeg your pardon?â€
â€œYou knowâ€ my body said and sounded a little sad, â€œI am working really hard every day, and I just donâ€™t feel appreciated. All you do is complain and complain, and try to change me, and I just donâ€™t think itâ€™s fair.â€
I opened my mouth, but before I could answer my brain chimed in: â€œI have to agree with her this time. You beat her up way too much. Itâ€™s hurtful to insult your body every day, even if itâ€™s just the way you are looking at her.â€
â€œBut I â€¦â€ I started, but my brain interrupted me again.
â€œBesides, itâ€™s getting to me, too! I mean, all this constant talk about healthy food, and skinny jeans â€¦ itâ€™s hard to not believe that if all the thoughts I work with on a daily basis revolve around losing weight, and being skinny. After a while, you really believe that yourself!â€
I had to admit that my body and brain had a point there.
â€œOkay, so what do you suggest?â€ I asked.
â€œWell, for starters, be less critical of meâ€ my body said.
â€œAnd donâ€™t always think you are ugly and fatâ€ my brain added. â€œDonâ€™t listen to all the commercials and magazines!â€
â€œListen to yourself every once in a while. That would make us really happyâ€ my body said. â€¨â€œIf I do, will you shut up?â€ I asked.
â€œTotallyâ€ my body said.
â€œGood, because this is driving me crazyâ€ I said.
â€œWould you guys be QUIET! I am trying to sleep here!â€ a third voice growled.
â€œYou know, you really should train your dog some mannersâ€ my brain said before going back to sleep.